How to have better sex
After almost a decade of working with thousands of people to improve their sex lives, I can attest to fundamental themes that come up over and over again. Here are some of my tips on how to have better sex..
1. Talk about sex
You can’t expect your partner to be a mindreader. Being lovingly direct about your needs and desires can open up the scope for an amazing range of experiences. Having light, fun, cheeky conversations about what you love and what you’ve been thinking about can create amazing permission for both partners to meet each others needs. Ofcourse, be mindful in your approach, especially if talking about sex is new for the two of you. Using affirmation about what IS working is a great starting point. In a study conducted by Relationships and Intimacy expert, John Gottman, it was found that only 9% of couples who didn’t comfortably talk about sex with each other said that they were satisfied sexually.
2. Quality over Quantity
We’re conditioned to think that how much sex you’re having indicates how good your sex life is. This is NOT the case. Some people that are having loads of sex are just going through the motions. Some couples who are having sex less frequently, are having sex more mindfully. There are also phases in life when your desire or capacity for sex will naturally fluctuate. The sign of a healthy sex life cannot be measured by a number. Putting pressure on how often you ‘should’ be doing it is often a total boner killer – for men or women. So stop counting and start focusing on how you can create the very best sexual experiences for yourself and your partner.
3. Stress and Sex don’t mix
During times of stress, we begin to function in flight or fight mode. This tells our system that survival takes precedence over procreation. As a result, the body will prioritise the most important functions for survival, while reducing less essential functions, like sex.
Additionally, if your mind is busy during sex, it’s difficult to focus on your arousal and recognise pleasurable sensations. This can often prevent orgasm from occurring. You simply can’t have good sex while you’re a state of hyper drive.
4. Some of the best foreplay happens out of the bedroom
Sometimes the most deeply intimate moments are found outside of love-making. Making the effort to nurture your relationship will have a profound effect on desire and quality of sex. Over time, there can be a tendency for various issues to arise in relationships. If not addressed then these will creep their way into the bedroom and join you in the act, playing havoc on your pleasure. Never stop seducing your partner, never stop romancing your partner, and stay committed to working through the tough stuff.
5. Intimate sex is harder but better
Going through the motions of sex IS easier. Let me be honest – the best sex might initially take some effort from your end. Yes, setting the mood, trying something new, initiating longer foreplay may take more time. Really getting to know your partners preferences, the intricacies of their body, the things that turn them on and light them up can involve some exploration and conversation. Improving your technique may take education. And, this type of sex can feel emotionally risky. BUT, the payoffs are huge. And when this becomes the new normal, this type of love-making becomes far more effortless.
6. Up your techniques
Being an amazing sexual partner is generally not something we are born with. Just like any skill, there’s a necessity to learn, practice and cultivate the art of love-making. Investing in learning sexual techniques, and understanding how to experience the full scope of ours and our partners body is the most profound way I’ve witnessed clients and workshop partcipants take their sex life to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
Join us for the upcoming Sexuality Workshop. This workshop is an absolute GAME CHANGER for participants. This will be the last of these for at least 12 months, as I head off on maternity leave. Please note: Early Bird Prices finish in 48 hours.
Looking forward to seeing you there!